2010: A Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I gave birth prematurely and said goodbye to my husband for his deployment.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I’m pretty sure I wanted to lose weight and since I went and got knocked up, I didn’t keep that resolution. This year, I’m determined to FINALLY lose the weight and regain my confidence. DETERMINED.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A lot of lovely internet friends did, but the closest person was probably my cousin, Crystal. She had a very scary delivery and nearly died after her uterus came out with the baby, but she’s doing great now.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Stephen’s great-grandfather, but I’d never met him so no.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. I’m a loser!

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you didn’t have in 2010?
A fitter body and more financial stability.

7. What dates from 2010 will be etched upon your memory, and why?
September 21st – When Steve “officially” deployed, November 7th – When Roman was born, and November 9th – When I said goodbye to Stephen, again.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?
It’s a toss up between giving birth and dealing with Steve’s departure, especially since they both happened within 48 hours of one another. That was a really, really, hard week.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Finding and securing mature tenants.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had an e.coli infection in August that put me in the ER overnight, but other than that, nothing worse than a cold.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Our laptops. I bought them when I cashed out an old retirement account from a previous job and wanted Stephen to have one with him overseas. They’ve really been amazing for us.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Roman’s. His triumph in the NICU was incredible.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My tenants’.

14. Where did most your money go?
Rent, groceries and travel (from Idaho to Vermont). I also spent a ton on formula ($500 during one month) and postage costs ($170 for December alone).

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to New Orleans to see Stephen on his four day pass. Go figure my water would break 5 hours before my flight was supposed to depart.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
I know everyone hates Nickelback for some inexplicable reason, but their song “Far Away” really reminds me of 2010 and will remind me of 2011, too.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) both, same as last year b) same as last year c) richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Probably focus more on a number of things. Photography, my husband, freelance, etc.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Stress. The first three and last five months of 2010 were loaded with stress and part of me still worries that all that stress caused Roman’s premature birth.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
We opened presents the night before with my in-laws (Steve’s dad, stepmom, and brother) and went next door to my FIL’s parents’ house for supper.

21. Did you fall in love with 2010?
Yes. I fall more in love every year with my family.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
DEXTER! Or the Office!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I wouldn’t say hate, but I have a STRONG DISLIKE for this person.

24. What was the best book you read?
Water for Elephants, although it was also the only book I read.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I started listening to more Dropkick Murphys, but it wasn’t a discovery, necessarily.

26. What did you want and get?
After a few weeks in the NICU, my baby home with me.

27. What did you want and not get?
More quality time with Dublin. With the move and Roman’s premature birth…I just don’t feel like I had enough one-on-one time with him.

28. What was your favorite film of 2010?
I didn’t really go to the movies, except to see the Twilight Saga: Eclipse…so I don’t think that counts.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 24 and I spent it in my best friend Sona’s apartment, while she was on base in Quantico, working. I didn’t get internet or cell signal there, so it was a really quiet day. That night, she took me to a Hibatchi restaurant with two of her funny friends, so that was awesome.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I could say “having Stephen stay with us” but that would be too easy an answer. Not having to worry about money would have made my year SO MUCH EASIER.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2010?
I spent most of 2010 pregnant, but I didn’t wear maternity clothing. Empire waist tops ruled my world.

32. What kept you sane?
Hearing my husband’s voice. And my sons, even though they made me INsane as well.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gun legislation. I don’t bring politics onto my blog, however, so that’s all I will say about that.

34. Who did you miss?
Obviously, my husband. But I also missed all my friends in Idaho and my fellow Army wives.

35. Who was the best new person you met?
Jamie! I met her on Craigslist, as creepy as that sounds. And my friend, Sam, wife of Steve’s best friend in the Army.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it’s one day further from the last time you saw each other, it’s one day closer to the next time you will.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“Don’t worry ’bout a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.”
- “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley

Stretching Myself Thinner

I am indeed stretching myself thinner, in the sense that my time is PACKED TO THE MAXIMUM, not that my *body* is stretched thinner and you can probably guess which one I’d prefer.

The last two weeks, I decided I just wasn’t busy enough, so I started adding things to my daily schedule. A couple friends asked me to take photos of their families and with word of mouth, I’m now doing anywhere from 3-6 “sessions” a week. (Unpaid, however. Might as well build up my portfolio.) And each night, I’m plopped in front of my computer for upwards of three hours, editing those photos.

Last week, I decided to be apart of this Biggest Loser competition with some LDS people I know and now I’m assisting with the group leader, so hey! Even busier!

And then I thought, “Let’s make more friends!” So we’ve been out (or in) with other couples nearly every weekend night. Which is strange for me, because I’m kind of socially challenged.

With the weather warming, I’ve decided to take really long WALKS (no jogging stroller, boo) with Dublin to lose some of this weight. I’m guessing my untreated thyroid issue is only making it more difficult for me to lose more poundage.

While all of those “time thinners” are awesome, it’s kind of turning me into a fail whale wife and mommy. My housework has tripled and dinner has consisted of Chef Boyardee for Steve and toast and yogurt for Dublin. I’m seriously struggling for some kind of balance, but there is absolutely a huge give and take when it comes to this sort of thing. I selfishly don’t want to give up ANY of those things, because they’ve really made me a much happier person these last couple weeks, but I HAAAATE coming home to a messy house and feeling too tired to cook.

How do you balance your schedule? I don’t know if I should cut down on my photo sessions, the length of my walks or going out with all these awesome people.

Thank You

I have received so much feedback on my last post, whether through the comments on the more personal emails and all I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you.

My cursor hovered over “Publish” for months. For months I wanted to get that off my chest, hoping that it would somehow explain my erratic behavior, how I’m so similar that old lady down the block with ten cats who doesn’t leave her house. Instead, I’ve just one cat and a happy baby but I still don’t leave the house.

I want to be the woman who, on a whim, flies to Sacramento one weekend to meet sixteen amazing women bloggers with no problem. I want to be the wife who can run to the grocery store when her husband is sick, instead of dragging him out of bed to drive her there. And I want to be the mommy who can sleep easy at night, instead of getting up every hour or so to check on her son. And what can I say, other than I’m working on it?

When I wrote that post, I was having an especially bad day. Lack of sleep and frustration will do that to you. Not every day is that hard, just so you know. But until my kidney issues are resolved, I’m not on my regular medication, and boy, can I feel it. I’m fortunate to have an extremely understanding and patient husband and really, having someone who understands makes all the difference in the world.

***

It’s been over a month since I brought up my weight loss plans and I’m still working on it. I managed to gain six pounds, actually, but thankfully I’ve since lost that plus one. I know that this is going to be a long road and I’m okay with that, even though I do get easily discouraged. Hopefully I lose the first ten pounds sooner than later, because I can’t wait to throw a giveaway for all you wonderful readers of mine.

***

Lacking in Motivation…

I’m really good at making a resolution and initiating all the start up details. Especially when it comes to losing weight. But I’m bad, no, I’m atrocious at the follow-through.

I bought the weight watchers membership, I bought the 30-Day Shred, sanitized my yoga mat and acquired simple weights.

And so far, I’ve kept track of points for one day, have done the Shred once and haven’t even taken my handweights out of their packaging.

It started on Thursday. See, I purchased Jillian Michael’s 30-Day Shred back in, uh, MARCH, when I was pregnant and round and full of, “oh! I will get back into my clothes NO PROBLEM!” and “it’s not THAT hard to lose weight!” And I let it sit there, on my tv stand, gathering dust until three months later, when we started packing up to move to Idaho. Yes, I got rid of my nearly brand new Yankee Candles, my dining room table and 2 month old living room set, but I kept the Shred and threw my yoga mat into the car as an after thought, vowing to implement them once I arrived to Idaho.

Two months after that, we flew back to Vermont and got married. And I’m sharing the following photo, to reiterate my point. (Btw, the woman in the middle is my mom, she officiated our wedding – cool, right?)

I was ten weeks postpartum, but I looked pregnant and bloated and really, the thing I regret about my wedding day is that I felt FAT. And the feeling fat overshadowed some of my excitement and frankly, that kind of bums me out.

And, do you want to laugh? Because I just found this photo from the wedding after-party on my Flickr:

But back to the fat. There are other photos – I still haven’t seen my professional photos, it’s been almost 3 months – like these (sorry for the side boobage):

That I prefer, but still, I feel overwhelmingly large, especially next to my slender husband. And since that photo, I’ve lost some of the bloat but none of the weight.

In fact, since I wrote this post, I’ve managed to gain five pounds. I can blame it on the stress of trying to find a tenant for a property 3,000 miles away, or how busy I am taking care of Dublin, but really? I’m on here, commenting on other’s blogs, updating my Facebook status with unimportant details or tweeting about something that no one, including myself, really cares about.

What I’m saying is that in all reality, I DO have the time to take better care of my body, but I’m not. And I don’t know what to do to change this, or how to better motivate myself from this point.

Seven Takes and What Should I Be Reading?

1. I was blown away by the support I received on last week’s post. Thank you all, for your support, through the emails or comments you left me. It’s embarrassing to admit it got so bad, that I actually have reached 200 pounds, even. But it feels so wonderful to have such supportive readers. I’m feeling the urge to put a smiley face at the end of that last sentence, but I will RESIST. MUST RESIST!

2. Steve had Fri-Tuesday off from work as he transitions to the 12-hour shifts at work. This means he works four days from 7 a.m. – 7 p.m. this month with four days off, then four days of the same, four days off, etc. His work, however, is a two hour bus drive away, so he will be leaving at 5 a.m. and not returning home until 9 p.m. Next month, the same thing except he’s doing the night 12-hour shift (7 p.m. – 7 a.m.). Basically, he’ll be a ghost. He works Halloween day, Thanksgiving night and Christmas day. Ick.

3. He still has not been assigned a unit for National Guard, so we’re going on 3 months of make-ups he’ll have to do. Plus the two-week jaunt he missed when we moved. To add to this, he’s applying for a Special Forces unit, another state away. I really won’t see him once he starts up Guards again, which kind of sucks because I’m pretty isolated at home during the day. That’s what the Internet is for, though, right?

4. Weight Watchers is going well. The thing about dieting for me is that I didn’t want to diet for the sake of losing weight over a stated period of time. I wanted to diet in a way that I could continue these habits for life, so I don’t end up back where I started. I don’t want to deprive myself of the things I like to eat. For example, I’m still having steak, pasta, etc, but I’m doing it in much smaller portions. I think this makes it easier for me, because then I don’t beat myself up over enjoying a cookie, as long as I stop at one.

5. Steve and I are SLOWLY turning our new place into a home. When we moved from Vermont, we decided to start fresh, whereby we got rid of everything we owned, except clothing, my computer, a tv and Dublin’s pack-n-play. It’s amazing, when you start over, all the little things you find you need. For example, spices. Spices are expensive when you have to rebuild your spice cabinet! And little utensils, like whisks. Or a can opener. Tubberware, ice cube trays, muffin pans, pillows, chairs, tables, lamps, towels…it adds up so quickly. We made a trip to Target to pick up a few things with a gift card and came across this rug. The 5′x8′ size had a tag of $24.99, even though all the other rugs in the same size were $99.99. I knew that it was too good to pass up, and it was exactly what I wanted (squares, with a lot of coordinating colors). When the cashier scanned it, however, it came up as $99.99, OF COURSE. I wasn’t up for spending that much money, so I almost passed on it, before the cashier sent someone for a price check. A few minutes later, someone garbled over the radio “the customers are correct, we marked it wrong, give it to them for the $24.99. We’re fixing the price tag now.” DUDES. You should have seen my face. What a steal!

6. Dublin FINALLY rolled over last week, which was a big deal in our house. The kid is in the 95th percentile for weight for his age, and he had a lot of trouble doing the mini-pushup (that’s a lot of weight to support for a little guy) so when he finally succeeded, a month late, it was a joyous occasion. And now, rolling over! I can hardly contain myself.

7. After a year of not reading due to time constraints, I now am reading a TON. I finished the four Twilight books in four days and have devoured another 5 novels by various authors since. I could use some suggestions. I’m open to pretty much anything. My favorite book (or books, I should say) is actually The Once and Future King. I finished The Time Traveler’s Wife a few months ago, and I like books of that genre too. So tell me, what should I be reading? It doesn’t need to be a recent release, as long as I can find it on Amazon or eBay! Thanks in advance, peeps!

Losing the Fat and Upcoming Giveaways

Today, I’m 23. I’m a 23 year old wife and mommy. I’m an overweight, 23 year old wife and mommy. And being the latter? A wife to my amazing husband and a mom to this perfect, little person I’ve created… It makes me unbelievably happy. But the fat? The fat that doesn’t fit into my pre-pregnancy pants, the fat that turns every shirt I wear into a sausage casing for my fat… Well, that doesn’t make me so happy. Or healthy for that matter.

I had kidney failure, just five months into my pregnancy. I was hospitalized for a week, twice. My body wasn’t ready to carry my son, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am that he is okay, that the rounds and rounds of harmful medications I was hooked up to didn’t damage him.

But I want, eventually, to make my son a big brother. But I don’t want to do it in my current, overweight, unhealthy body. And I want to feel confident in my clothing, in my own skin.

Five years ago, I weighed 150 pounds, which, at 5’10 is a pretty healthy weight. My arms were thin, my stomach was flat and my chest…well, it was not obnoxiously large. I had a lot of muscle definition, from walking 10-15 miles every week.

As of this morning, I weigh 200 pounds. TWO-HUNDRED. That’s an embarrassingly large number for me, a number I never imagined myself reaching. I was just over 200 when I gave birth to my son, 20ish weeks ago. That number represents more than the number of donuts and nachos I consumed during my pregnancy; it represents a lot of stress over my pregnancy complications, fear of my son’s well-being and sadness upon moving away from all of our family three months ago.

This morning, I joined Weight Watchers. This is my second time as a member (I had to quit due to pregnancy before), but the first time I’ll take it seriously. I’m overweight today, and I will be tomorrow. A week from now, I will still be overweight. I know it will take a while, but I’m using my 23rd birthday as incentive to lose this weight, the baggage I’ve carried with me for too long.

My goal is to lose roughly 50 pounds, but more importantly, I’d like to fit into jeans that aren’t in the double digits in size. I’d like to have photos taken of me holding my son without cringing at the rolls of mine I see. Rolls are only cute on Dublin these days. To be honest, I would love to be able to see myself in the mirror the way my husband sees me every day. And when I decide to try to fall pregnant again, I hope to have a body that is much more well-equipped to handle it. I owe it to my possible, future, unborn child and I owe it to myself (and my insurance company!).

The incentive for you, to have to listen to my whining and moaning, will be gift card giveaways. For every 10 pounds I lose, I’m going to host a giveaway on my blog. My idea is that this will help keep me accountable and plus, it’s been a long time since my last giveaway.

So stick around, will you?